To tell a story is to live one. In life we make a simple wish to build a newer and better tomorrow. We spend effortless time into making that simple wish into a reality. So to tell my story I needed to build up to the realization of my living a current tale. In admitting myself into my own fate is of course a triumphant challenge that hardens with each breath.
Take your mind into a deep thought within your imagination. Imagine yourself in a big city, a moving city filled with multiple things you’ve done or haven’t done. You’ve succeeded, you’ve failed. You’ve found a niche in moving swiftly through the challenges, the goals, and the barriers wishing for you to stop. You’ve come to realization everything missed, everything failed, everything not so complicated or complicated was nothing more than a lesson in life’s many adventures. With everything you just imagined or experienced now imagine it completely coming to a stop. The traffic stops, nothing moves, and nothing blinks. You attempt to move and nothing, now imagine your thought process for that very moment and imagine it once again starting to move but much more darker, complicated, and slower than before.
In that very instance you almost believe this is still your imagination, but you slowly remind yourself it’s your current life. Nothing seems real but it is much harder to overcome. In my story I am living that, a moving enjoyable life came to a deep hard stop. For less than a year so much of me has changed and taken the deepest darkest part of me into a world of the giant puzzle I am desperately trying to solve. Go back to the imagination and place yourself beside my own mind. At the age of thirty-five, at no warning, I suffer my first stroke. Within minutes I had fallen and only minutes I am seem to be losing everything. I am rushed to the hospital with sirens roaring in my head and my first fade. Being revived for my first time, I am awake to nurses and doctors pushing for me to remain awake. I awake with pain and the hardest pain of all, the realism of being paralyzed.
Numerous tests and four times having to be revived, everything comes up fine. Still I am paralyzed physically and mentally on the thoughts of why is something wrong but can’t be found. I am discovered with a bicuspid heart valve and somewhat of a mass on the heart, easy solution I am left in the bed defending my mental state and it being doctored at what they now claim to be the cause. Nothing more to push through I turn to my own faith, my paralyzed self is slowly going away and I am able to move once more but with nothing more than a cane or walker. Days after my release I push to walk on my own again, within one week I do and despite other opinionated efforts I return to my life but with challenges of now having a heart problem.
Time moves on and I continue to revisit the heart issue with will I or will I not have the necessary heart surgery I will need in my lifetime. Still I wait for the answer I am not getting. Time goes by; I am fighting something new in my mind. I am finding myself trying to cope with the feeling of loneliness and my mental state, mentally I know I am not depressed but desperately trying to walk away from everything that has now changed me. Weeks later I suffer my second minor stroke. Still everything comes out fine, not paralyzed this time but dealing with a battle of blood pressure and muscle strain that can’t manage to go away. After another week I am released again, but still left with the same as before. New symptoms start rolling in, my body weakens and I am becoming more tired than I ever was before. Blood pressure levels high, aches continue, migraines have now become a new friend, moods are constant, and my body feels aged. Still I push on the belief that I can overcome this but the challenge remains real. I struggle and begin to hopefully see I light in my life I am once again back into what seems to be my second home the ER. This is time everything remains the same but I am bleeding internally. My body lost so much blood that three blood transfusions were needed, still till this day no discovery other than the heart issue has been found. Month later I am back again in the ER suffering from my next and current stroke. Once again everything remains the same, but this time my body is tired a migraine disease is diagnosed and I am finding myself extremely unsocial, hostile, and with extreme memory loss on certain things. My brain seems to know it’s there but refuses to place together.
I turned thirty-six recently and sadly I can’t remember my actual age without reflecting upon it several times. Now take this time I ask of you, place yourself in my head and determine what’s hard or easy anymore. I haven’t spoken since the last stroke, I have limited my communication, and have made a limited amount of sociable appearances. For me this effort is hard as I know I may not remember much of anything or what or who I may be talking too, it’s all in the puzzle pieces I am trying to place together. I look at my life and I have seemed to have fallen. My insurance change and my treatment now have to be rethought and is now a waiting game. I am on disability and fighting for my employer to pay for medical leave of absence that is listed within the insurance I pay for. My life is crushing has I have nothing to live off of, bills are racking and food is limited. Yes in my newest sociable attempt to return to life, I am admitting a desperate plea to see a doctor who can find my problem, sign up for doctors appointments so my therapy can begin. As I vigorously try to change my insurance and schedule my help, I must make the first effort that is the hardest. I must limit my doctor’s visit until I can resolve myself well being, as I just can’t afford it. Until this giant puzzle piece comes together I am helpless and moving forward with my own struggle.
Now as you step away from mind and face me forward, I am standing normal but inside I am well into confusion and a fight away from depression. In the deepest of my inside I am after a therapy not only from the outside but from within myself. With my own therapy I have agreed to be more active and socialable to fix the needed steps to overcoming this new challenge of fighting my own body. Welcome to my first post outside of the stroke, though it’s long it is the newest step. I saw people today and remembered, I was gifted with the kindest gift from work and go workers. Though it was a struggle to remember some of those who signed, I eventually got the thought process back but I must keep it consistent. My soul has been by my side is my one Willie Ramos. His consistent struggle with me through this has helped and can’t be much more appreciated then it has. I am getting better and I am pushing to better myself, grow myself, and push to doing what I love more than anything. I have set my goals and am going to work towards them and use this time to not ask for sympathy or support but to find it within myself to level my soul and my body to once again come to a balance. So in my ending thank you for your prayers, gifts, support, birthday wishes, and your kind words; please with me I welcome you all to my swift return and my continued love towards you all in the next chapter of what my fate has in store for me. With all my love, I tearfully say thank you- Chris Antie