An essence of my mind takes me to the logic of my own life. In a life of remembrance displays a challenge, the challenge of filling the space that is all ready filled but yet so completely empty. In the inner soul of my imagination it has become frozen. In my many thoughts of my mind I think to defrost, but I fear the drops that affect the feeling of what is really instilled in the inner soul. Do I reflect, but I am at a standstill. I swiftly awake from my soul’s inner emotions; I surrender and let it be.
Strength opens and pushes but it is puzzled to a weakness not yet healed. Empowerment is the challenge and is completely met, still I down grade to the weakness. A weakness so entrusted into my mind that it freezes my imagination and cracks the heart to a heavier beat. At a beat it reflects, the essence of my mind begins to speak and my life starts to awake. Now I remember.
Can a world reflect on a time of need but stay with the reflection, not to let it slide? Welcome to my thoughts of my mind. Right now I am seeing the heart crack and feeling the freeze defrost to the reflection of what I am currently going through. Knowing me is knowing how it feels to be me, where I’ve been and how it impacted me. Take on my challenge, I called Pulse Nightclub my home and it was my second family. I have celebrated many of birthday’s with my Pulse family, grew as a gay man as the club grew, I relived the moments of love and joy with many people from around the globe, I danced with many, and had a toast with people that for no question took me to the level of you are a part of our world. When life took me to my worst my family took me out of it and surfaced me to a new beginning. It was my own inner pulse.
My heart cracks some more, with every report and every image I can see. I see the exact spot of the location of each reported incident to every escape, I hear the fear and know the minds that it didn’t sound real or seem. You see I wasn’t there but my heart always was, though I didn’t see my heart told me of it and then my mind took it to visual. I hurt not only for the one’s I did know, but for the one’s I didn’t and for the many of soul’s that left a piece of their own heart with mine every time our Pulse rang into mind. Understanding that I will overcome it knows I am strong and will, but time has to heal me and allow me the strength to rebuild myself. I lost a home and a family.
As I reflect I remember, a personal friend and acquaintance to a point we spoke and shared a moment. To me I know you for my own words but to the world you are known as Jerald Arthur Wright, Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, Luis Vielma, Edward Sotomayor Jr., Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, Christopher Leinonen, Juan Guerrero, Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, Deonka Deidra Drayton, Oscar Aracena, Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, Christopher Sanfeliz, Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, and Jonathan Camuy. Though you aren’t the entire list of victims, I knew you and my heart is heavy for you. Angel Colon you are staying with me forever and I am glad I will soon see you walking as I’ve always remembered you, your loss would have hurt me harder and my birthdays would have never been the same without you. My heart froze as I’ve listened and waited, my body is incomplete knowing this is the tale I must tell. Luis Vielma man you graced Universal and at first I had to rethink this when I heard you were on the list. Xavier Rosado you’re a powerful father figure and I can’t imagine your kids lives without you. Juan and Chris you guys gave the world a visual of a real couple and allowed me to learn that it's what I want from Willie and I.
Everyone held a special part of my heart, along with the survivors I didn’t mention. Grieving is hard, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat, and you can’t focus. I have been dealing with anxiety attacks, vomiting, and just on an emotional roller coaster. Losing a friend is hard enough but losing so many at the same time is even harder. Time heals my soul, my memory and my life will unfreeze; I shall be restored again. Unimaginable as it is I believe in the world of love and the purpose it upholds. Though we all hurt we overcome the struggle and become the one you met from the beginning. I don’t know how to express an ending without saying good bye guys, I’ll never forget you. I will never let you out of my mind as I challenge myself to bring myself to continue on with my own life. Thank you for being the person that helped me build with just your simple presence or conversation. As I let this out, you’re all holding me through it. In the essence of my mind it hurts but my faith keeps me going. My heart beats to a hard way of saying good bye, but it tells me I’ll be okay.